Artist Statement
I have struggled with an eating disorder and other mental health issues since I was in elementary school. Being in quarantine has exacerbated a lot of these problems, and writing about my experience has been extremely cathartic. My hope is that these words will bring a small sense of relief to others as well. I hope that people who are struggling right now know that they are not alone.
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I want to social distance from my eating disorder.
by Anonymous
There are tons of articles out there about how to stay positive in quarantine, how you can use this time to be a healthier and happier individual, how all of this might not be so bad. I’ve been getting a lot of emails with subject lines like “Social Distancing doesn’t have to mean Isolation.” But I, for one, have never felt more isolated in my life, and what I’m not seeing a lot of people talk about is how isolation can pave the way for relapse.
I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since middle school, something I am still trying to come to terms with, and I’ve spent college working so hard to remedy my negative relationship with food and my body. Since I’ve been stuck at home without my routine and support system, that work has suddenly started to feel utterly insignificant. For me, boredom is the perfect breeding ground for obsessive thinking about my body; this whole situation has given me nothing but time to engage in toxic behaviors around food and exercise. The fat-phobic jokes about how we’re all gaining wait in quarantine do not help. The targeted ads about all the home workouts I should be doing RIGHT NOW are not helping. Being stuck with my family members obsessing about their own bodies is certainly making it worse.
I think the most frustrating part of this whole situation is that people are posting about all the incredible creative things they are doing during this time or talking about how grateful they are for the people they are Sheltered In Place with. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling good right now. Rather, it is the lack of honesty about all of the potentially negative parts of quarantine that makes me feel like my own struggle with relapse is wrong. Like this is not the appropriate space for that to occur, because those of us that are healthy and safe right now should be counting our blessings and sewing masks and walking our dogs. I would love to do all of those things. Unfortunately, I’m consumed at the moment with tiny battles I have with myself over every bite of food and keeping my compulsion to over-exercise at bay. All of that extra noise about what I should be doing right now in addition to the cluster fuck that is my brain is making it quite difficult to actually listen to and do what is best for my body.
All complaints aside, I have been trying to take care of myself: I talk to my friends on the phone and open up about these things to my therapist. But all of those efforts feel fruitless right now, because I am missing the element of human connection that for me can only exist when I with someone, in person. I cannot live a healthy and fulfilling life if it is all taking place over the phone. And if nothing else, this nightmare has taught me how important those relationships are to me. Going forward, I am going to cherish every second of in-person contact I get. Nothing is more precious than living and breathing in the same space as another human being, and I will not take that for granted again.
I don’t want to be That Negative Person, but I do want to share my own experiences, because I want people in a similar situation to know that they are not alone. You do not need to be constantly productive and positive and right now; you’re allowed to feel like total garbage and we should all be allowed to express that side of life right now, too. I am by no means discounting the immense privilege I have to be safe at home with more than enough resources to get through this time, but that doesn’t mean everything is completely perfect. Let’s be sensitive to each other’s individual struggles right now, and not try to pretend that this self-isolation thing is some sort of yoga retreat, because for a lot of us, it’s quite the opposite.
I hope you can all try your best to treat yourself with compassion and love. That is not an easy thing to do. I encourage you all to do what makes you feel good right now, regardless of how you’re “supposed” to be spending your time. For me, it’s publicly complaining. I’vealso included some links to some resources if you ever find yourself in need. I just keep telling myself ‘there’s no way out but through.’ This whole shitshow is temporary and we will get through it, day by day.
Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/
This is not a just suicide hotline. This resource can be used if you are experiencing any sort of painful emotion, even anxiety about COVID-19. Text HELLO to 741741, and you will be connected with a trained volunteer who can offer you emotional support.
National Eating Disorder Association Helpline:
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/would-i-benefit-calling-neda-helpline
For food/body-image related issues, even if you do not think you have an eating disorder or have not been diagnosed with one, you can call 800-931-2237. Your call is free and completely confidential. Please note: this is not a crisis hotline!